Life and Adventures

The Truth about “The Dream”

The truth about “The Dream” is that it doesn’t exist. Rather, it is yet to be found. You see, I am a lost sheep. Not that I am walking towards the wrong path, but rather I am taking a path that I do not even know.  I am lost, because I don’t know which way to go. I don’t know where this path I am taking right now will lead me. And that’s what makes me afraid.

Some people see me lucky. I can do many things. They say I have the skills. But the problem there is that I do so many things that I don’t know what to focus on. I admit there are many things I like to do, but I am confused which are the things I do that I love. Things I love enough, that I would want to do in the future that I wouldn’t get tired of. And it terrifies thinking that I would eventually come to hate these things I love doing because I’m getting tired of it. It gets me crazy thinking about what I really want to do in the future. I think of these things sometimes. And I wonder where it gets me. Nothing. Because I’m still here, and my problem still isn’t solved.

Add the fact that there are eyes on me, looking after who or what would I become. It is such a heavy burden that because I entered a known university in our country, they stereotype things about me. Little did they know,  I don’t even know where would this get me in the future. I know my future doesn’t depend on the university that I enter, it’s all on me, but it ticks me off whenever they constantly ask me about my plans for the future. Especially about my degree. Those know-it-all people who know nothing about me. I know I should just ignore them, but there is something about their questions, and their eyes that begs to meet my downfall and prove themselves right. I already know all the things they would say if ever that happens. But of course I won’t. I trust myself enough that I know I won’t fall hard. I can’t let that happen. I trust myself enough to walk on this blurred path, trusting, hoping it will turn out just fine in the end.

Being the eldest child, there are many burdens I chose to carry myself without my parents telling me to. Because I feel like it is more of a duty. There is something in me that cannot resist having to carry this obligation. That’s why I know I can’t fall down. That I have to be strong. I know life isn’t always good, but I just have to keep on hanging. And they are the reason why I have to achieve this “dream”, once I find it. This “dream” I know is something good. Something best for us. I still don’t know what it is yet, and I feel like I am running out of time. I have to do something, but I can’t figure it out. Thinking that in the end of this blog post I would think of a resolution, I can’t. Yes, anxious is the right word. Bring me back my childhood where I dreamed of many things, and not worry about things.

Remembering Rapunzel’s song in Tangled, “I’ve Got A Dream” makes me sigh…

I guess this end here…

Or rather…

//to be continued//

 

 

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10 thoughts on “The Truth about “The Dream”

  1. You definitely can consider doing a lot of different things. You shouldn’t worry, you should finish what you’re committed too in terms of studies, and always remember that you CAN start something different later on. Settling totally on mastering something isn’t a doom for life, rather more like a step in a staircase. Investigate patiently your various fields of curiosity, one by one, or two by two, working for money with one and learning about the other at the same time, make sure that each time, a trade, a degree or proficiency come out of this. At some point, later in life, everything gets together like puzzle pieces, and it’s quite magical, when you look back and realise how many things you master, and how much experience and knowledge you’ve gathered….and how valued you are by others.

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    1. Charlotte! Really, thank you. Believe me, I am touched by your comment… I still am in a phase where I’m exploring different things, still confused, and anxious about what might happen in the future. But then when I think about God, and look at my life, I feel that there is a reason why I am here now.

      I love what I study here. It’s just that I feel like I am also made to do so much more things, so I lose my focus. But since I am already here, I’ll try do my best and focus on my work. And yes, make sure that I would get something would come out of things I do. Not everyone gets an opportunity like I do now. Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it. ☺

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      1. It’s based on life experience! If you have other fields that you like, more than what you study now, make some small space for them, and keep them going forward, by learning and exploring. Don’t let them invade you or lead you astray, but give them some space. They will not give fruit straight away, but I give you my word that things evolve naturally, and that this comes to use later on. Oh, and don’t feel guilty for having various interests: the point you just got to keep in check is to be methodical about them, and to prioritize the most promising ones or the most advanced ones, in order to really get things done. Actually having various interests is a very good manner to take distance when pressure gets high on the main activity, and it brings good to that main activity, because sometimes, to be effective we need to take distance.

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      2. Yeah, it’s actually quite a good thing to have various interests since college life is so stressful. As a student, I sometimes get tired of seeing all the words and comprehending all the books (which I originally love to do)… that I would need some space from it. But after having some time away from it, I’ll get back to it.
        What I am planning is that after I finish my degree, I would find a job related to it, being my “main activity”, but I still wouldn’t let go of my other interests of course, and try to improve my skills on it atleast one by one… maybe join workshops or seminars and make it as a sideline if I’d have the chance.

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      3. Actually if you want to write books, than you absolutely must broaden the field of things that you learn about-investigate-work at-are passionate about doing. A mind focused on only one thing can’t make a good author. Or can it? Maybe there are counter examples but right now, I’m thinking of Balzac who almost ruined himself at collecting and trying to sell antiques and who wrote some of his best books with antiques as the background subject. Or just think of Dostoievsky who almost killed his family from starvation because of his passion for game, and who wrote such a perfect novel on the subject. Of course, they were all very unhappy, they had terrible moments, and they were seldom rich, but on another hand they derived a lot of satisfaction from their various interests 🙂

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      4. That’s a good perspective. I’ve always thought that I must keep these things separate -my interests and my focus, I mean. But you’re right. Maybe because I have various interests, I have the opportunity explore each of them… and learn from it. And from these experiences and knowledge, I write. Reading what you’ve said, I am now much more eager to satisfy my curiosity about different things.
        Btw, it’s so nice to have a conversation like this with someone who knows the experience!

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      5. Well, this is my experience: I did one year at law school from 18-19. This depressed me a lot, so after a year, I went into an art school. I’m now 41, and what I learnt during that year has helped me all of my life. I’ve learned how society functions and the laws of it, I can’t even make a list of all it’s helped me for. Then I managed the entry to the Paris Fine Arts school. The skills in writing I had developed during law school were a great help for passing the entrance competition. In art school, I wanted to do painting, but during the three first years, I was side tracked by a newfound passion for lithography. During these three years, I learned how to put together prints in order to create a book. At the time I did artist books, mainly consisting in drawings, printed no more than fifteen or thirty of them, at best. I was absolutely unable at the time to even imagine myself WRITING a book, mind it, but in fact I MADE books. In that process, I learned how to create a book, how to register it. And on my curriculum, I could write “five artists books in lithography” after that I did a mistake, which was to buy a lithography printing machine. That was assuming that I would spend my entire life making lithography, like an artisan, if you see? The press cost a fortune, took a lot of place, needed at lot of care, and it is still now as I write, taking dust at my parents place. That was a huge mistake, but even from that mistake I learned: “when you feel passion taking over about doing something, investing, making a big life choice, give it time. No opportunity is really lost forever, you can take your time.” For instance, I,could have waited until I had finished the fine arts school degree BEFORE buying that press. Because finally, during the last year, I focused entirely on painting and graduated in painting. Then after that, the big thing was to make money for survival, and doing lithography had never been such a good income solution. On another hand, I had some experience in doing images, so I tried some publishers with my drawings, and one of them said: right, your drawings are ok, sort of, if you can give us a good text with them, we’ll publish you.” So I begun writing, at first together with a friend, than alone. I had such an awe for literature, that I couldn’t believe I did it. But if I wanted my drawings printed in books, I had to produce a text. And it set off, and I begun having my books published. Right. But you seldom get rich writing books. So at the same time, I had a passion for English language, and I begun giving English lessons, and made money like this. I also taught painting for a small association, and I still do. Some years after that, the town where I live in launched a program of special help for children with learning problems. They were looking for people with good diplomas, and some experience in the field of teaching and children. They saw that I had made children’s books, that I had a good degree, and that I was fluent in English. So I was hired and still am, at mentoring children, two kids every week, with their schoolwork. That was the first example of all different fields coming together to offer an interesting activity. You see? Also, from my childhood I had always carved some wood for my amusement. Well…..being a little bit known in the publishing world, I had this opportunity last year to make a …..book, on wooden jewels. Yet an example of things apparently not linked together, who suddenly fit and produce something. So in short, even if we can’t see ourselves why we do seemingly very different things, we aren’t shattered beings, and we have within us a deep unity, that reveals with time. What we feel strongly attracted to is usually something that will bring good results as a combination later on.

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      6. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your words and life really inspire me. Even though I’m on another side of the world, I felt close to you knowing your story. Thank you for sharing it with me.
        I know I’m still young, and I have a lot of things to learn… and that there are so much more challenges I’m going to face. That’s why I’m trying to be positive around the things happening around me despite those challenges. Who knows what might happen to me in the future? Maybe I’d be a writer too, or an artist…
        Who knew that this giveaway that I entered just for fun would make me learn so much more! This is more than just a pendant. Thank you for giving me a life lesson. Really, wow. Your story made me realize that this might just be a phase, and that everything will just make sense in the end… I hope.

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  2. You’re welcome! I wish somebody had told me something of the kind when I was a student, it would have been so relaxing. I remember that I was often anxious that my choices would be all of my life hereafter with no escape or possible change.

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